Asexuality and Kink

18 Jun

This ties in heavily with the sensuality post a while back.  I’m pretty sure I don’t experience kinkiness in precisely the same way as the other kinky aces I know  do, but everyone has different experiences and experiences the world differently.  But yes.  If you haven’t read the sensuality post yet, go do that, because it will probably help to read that first.

As goes for pretty much all of my posts, this is just my experience of things, and I can’t speak for any other aces, kinky or otherwise.  It’s also pretty much stream-of-consciousness, so bewaaaaaare.

My first experiences with kink occurred in my last serious relationship, which, unfortunately, was full of consent issues and emotional manipulation and all that sort of fun stuff.  I was still figuring out that I was asexual at the time; the sex was…fine, I guess, but once it was past the point of me getting to map out someone else’s body and being amused by different reactions I could cause, it got boring fast.  And I never sought out the sex for myself.  Thinking back, I don’t think I ever initiated anything with the purpose of getting The Sexytimes.  Eventually, I mentioned a faint interest in kink, because I’d been researching sex that whole time (I was curious and also somewhat paranoid about various things, and Knowledge is Power and all that.  An excellent resource for pretty much anyone, but especially women, is Violet Blue – NSFW).  I wanted some variety to see if I could still keep doing the sex thing, just in a different way.  So we started experimenting with wax play, ice play (though I wasn’t on the receiving end of that – my circulatory condition would have made it too painful), and some light bondage.  I had made sure to emphasize, at the time, that I was uncomfortable being the sub in bondage situations, though…well, coercion was a factor in a lot of things in that relationship.

I actually want to go off on a short tangent here, because it is important and it means a lot to me personally.  In that situation, since we were experimenting with things, we didn’t really talk about having safewords or colors (green for “go ahead,” yellow for “proceed with caution,” red for “stop right now”).  This is something I wished I had pushed more at the time, not because anything bad came out of the kink – luckily – but because I was not comfortable saying “stop” at certain points.  It is extremely important to talk about consent and different degrees of “yes” and “no,” especially when trying new things.  Talk about it beforehand with your partner, and if they seem resistant to the idea of safewords or colors or something similar, you probably want to wait on trying new things.

Now, how does this tie in with asexuality?  As I’ve mentioned before, I experience sensual attraction, and consider myself to be very in touch with my body.  I love touching and being touched, I love experiencing different sensations and being in physical contact with other people.  I really, really enjoy the almost-burn sensation of hot wax on my back – though I have to be careful because wheee the heat sensitivity in my nerves is a little off.

The bondage involves some more emotional factors than wax play.  I’m really not into some of the heavier stuff – honestly, I can’t get over how ridiculous some of the gear looks.  So, soft things, like ties, and scarves.  Anything that won’t leave a mark, basically.  Interestingly, and this is just from an objective view of my own experiences in my body, if I’m being touched for too long in a certain way – I’ve had it happen with just someone stroking my arm softly – it starts to hurt.  I think it’s an overstimulation thing.  Anyway.  I actually am only comfortable in a sub position in certain circumstances.  When I was at a club last weekend, I was dancing with someone with my wrists bound by his tie and that was actually quite pleasant.  There’s a certain loss of control in a sort of…structured…way, while dancing.  It’s the same way with ballroom dancing.  I can’t stand being the lead, even though I’m pretty tall for a woman.  I like having someone lead me around a dance floor; there’s a sort of comfort in that, for me.  I’ve never been able to pinpoint why.

In other situations, I tend to be a control freak, so I’m a bit more domme-y.  When I go on a first date with someone, I sit facing the door, knowing all the exits.  I generally got extremely paranoid at large college parties.  I don’t like unknown variables.  There are a lot of important things in my life I don’t have any control over whatsoever, which contributes to my anxiety, so I’m pretty sure that plays into why I tend to be more of a domme when it comes to kink.  Some of it is a sense of safety and knowing that I have the upper hand, because while I may trust someone enough to play around with kink with them, I still have an incredible number of trust issues.  And having a feeling of control over the situation, knowing as many variables as possible, makes me feel safe.

Also I get a kick out of butting heads with other doms, mostly with verbal sparring.  I find it incredibly entertaining, as long as I can keep a straight face.  I have this terrible habit of falling into fits of laughter at the most inappropriate moments.

I get into a sort of…meditative…state of mind during kink.  I suppose.  I’m not really sure how to word it.  Because the physical sensations are a big part of it, yes, and so are the emotional factors, but settling into a temporary peace of mind, in being so connected with your body, is something I rarely experience.  I get that with ballroom dancing too, which is weird, because I’m actually not very good at ballroom.

So what this all boils down to, I think, since this has mostly been a stream-of-consciousness post with a vague outline I was working from, is that I can get a lot out of kink.  And I don’t experience it as sexual at all, most times, unless a heavily sexual element is somehow presented, at which point I would probably start feeling uncomfortable if I didn’t know about it beforehand.  Physical sensations, a sense of control or (controlled) loss of control, and a seemingly paradoxical sense of peace are all things I look forward to in those sorts of situations.

I am one of those people, though.  I can’t be sure I’ll be up for that sort of thing at any given time.  I think it would probably have to be organized ahead of time, so I knew what was happening.  Or, in other circumstances, like a party or a club, like I mentioned before.  I think it always just depends entirely on the situation at hand.

Someone pointed out at some point – I can’t remember if it was Semiel or Jack – that a good way to look at asexuality is by looking at the act of sex as a kink.  And sex just isn’t my kink.


2 Responses to “Asexuality and Kink”

  1. Jack June 19, 2011 at 8:18 am #

    Fantastic post. I can’t agree more with the section on having a safeword. Even in situations sex isn’t likely to occur I prefer to have a safe word if for no other reason than you never know what someone’s limits might be and knowing you can end it when you need to is comforting.

    On laughing at inappropriate moments: I had a friend who was dating a fairly kinky guy but she couldn’t bring herself to call him master without laughing because she always associated it with Young Frankenstein. I’ve always found myself of the opinion that if a relationship can’t take laughing at somewhat awkward and inappropriate moments(sex included) you maybe should rethink that relationship.


  1. Wednesday Linkspam « Writing From Factor X - June 22, 2011

    […] Hacking the Heart: Asexuality and Kink So what this all boils down to, I think, since this has mostly been a stream-of-consciousness post […]

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